Insecurities

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crying

For the past three days I’ve been at a training and I’m left feeling in a way that I did not expect or want. The training was with a bunch of people who are doing the same job as me. What it left me feeling was insecure and questioning whether I was doing a good job or not. When I ask myself, am I doing a good job, the answer that comes back to me, is yes, I think I am. My clients tell me that, my boss tells me, the figures tell me – so why the heck do I feel like this?

So, at lunch time today, I was sat with some of the girls and there was a discussion about how it’s important to be passionate about your job and that you do this job because you want to. Yup, totally agree. Yet I think because everyone was making such a mountain out of it, I didn’t really feel like I wanted to contribute to the conversation, since I didn’t really feel like I needed to justify why I was working in this field.

Then the dreaded insecurity sets in……I should have said something….now they are going to think that you aren’t passionate about the job….they think you’re just doing it as a job…..then the spiral really came into play and I slippery sloped myself down to thinking – they think you’re shit at your job….you do things that you shouldn’t do…..you don’t know anything about what you’re doing….god – what are you doing in this field….you’re no good at it…..get out and do something else instead…..and so it went on.

Saying all that, and having agonised with these feelings that have escalated over the past three days….I really got myself into a big tangled knotty mess….which culminated into a glass of wine, tears and a conversation with my housemate Judith tonight in the kitchen.

How did I get into this state – insecurities build up and I think that when those insecure buttons are pressed over a short period of time, feelings are manifested from age old times.

Yesterday, during lunch, I was chatting to a girl, then two of the girls who were sitting opposite us, joined in. Fine,no problem with that. Then lets call her Girl A, asks girl b and girl c a question and left me out of it…..even though we were all talking…..so I feel tad bit left out and insecurity number 203(random number chosen, just to make a point) jumps out. I did try and join back in the conversation…..god loves a trier eh!

So these kind of incidents accumulate, you feel like your in a pressure cooker and hey presto, I feel totally full up and hence tears tonight….and re-visiting blog tonight.

How can I help myself when these kind of situations arise again. My buttons will get pressed when I am around people..,,and as easy as hibernating is…it’s not healthy and won’t help my coping skills on bit….

Do I go speak to someone professionally about how to manage buttons being pressed so to speak?

Do I try and fudge my own way through this and hope for the best?

Do I ask others how they cope with situations like this?

Do I turn to drink!!!! Hahahahaha…..

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I AM

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I went for a run/ walk this morning. It was just so beautiful, clear blue skies,slight nip in the air and sun was shining. On the way back, I was running down amuddy path and I noticed that I was really breathing very shallowly. Short breaths from my lungs, which in turn, made me feel like running was very hard work. Once I brought attention to my breathing, I relaxed. I began to take control of my body and started to breathe deeply.

It made me realise, who has control of my body?

Does my body control me or do I control my body?

All to often we allow the body to control us. We have thoughts and we allow those thoughts to control ourselves, how we perceive the world, and most importantly how we feel.

Of course, we are human so are supposed to feel. The key I realised is to recognise those feelings but to detach from them before we become identified with them and before they become us. We can become anchored down with our thoughts and feelings so much that they merge into our sense of self, so suddenly do we know who we even are…..

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am.

The key is to practice this alertness within our selves. The more alert or present we are to our thoughts and feelings, we can then begin to recognise “old patterns” of behaviour that are non self serving. Disassociate ourselves from  them and be in connection with our I amness of ourselves.

What is it that stops us from connecting from the I amness of ourselves.

Lack of knowledge? Comfort in what we think we are? Lack of awareness. Not knowing that there is something else.

This is what started me off on this path. This knowing that there was something else but not knowing what it was.

Recognise, release and be kind to yourself.

I am love.

I am kind.

I am.

To be or not to be

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So, the question is,

“To be or not to be”

What is to be?

And what is not to be?

How can we be?

How do we know that we are being?

Is it based on experience?

Action.

Feeling.

Reactions.

Is it a combination of all these things. To determine what is to be do we need to define what is real and what is an illusion. How can we distinguish that is of consequence and that which is meaningless. Is it based on personal definition, experience, mind awareness, society, friends, peers, values, morals, the Bible, Koran or any other holy book that is your flavour.

How do we know that we are being? Since experience is transitory and for such a fleeting moment do we have to go from one moment of experience to another to feel that we are alive?? Surely not.

The experience of being is that of being a human. Human being.

What is a human? Thoughts, emotions,  desires, needs, our greatest gift is that to feel Love.

That is where I want to go, to be able to connect and feel that Love. I have been  Loved and still am and I have fallen hopelessly in Love during my lifetime.

Now, what my next challenge is to expand my Love and share it with others so that they can  begin to reconnect with themselves. Thus, like the good ole ripple effect there will begin to be more Love in the world and people will be happy to demonstrate their Love for humans being.

How come we are so afraid of Love? We are afraid to  tell  someone that we Love them. What do we fear? Showing our vulnerable side? Insecurity- if we tell  them and they may not reciprocate their love. Is my Love conditional upon someone else’s Love????

Common sense would say, course not guvnor. But we do live like that.

We get upset if someone neglects to tell us that they Love us, perhaps on a daily basis. I know couples like this…

How come it’s just not ok to say I LOVE YOU and not expect anything back in return.

Resolution: To act in a more Loving way to myself and others around me unconditionally.

Be gentle and Loving to myself with thought and action.

Be gentle and Loving to others around me with thought and action.

Now there’s a resolution

Roger over ‘n out – with a good dollop of Love.

XxX

Stapling becomes a new experience

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My mum is currently in hospital and it has brought up alot of emotions and frustrations. She has been in for the past 3 weeks now and going to see her nearly every other day began to wear me down.

It is so hard to see mum in an incapable position, not being able to move her legs, being immobile. I have memories of her running up the stairs after me as a child and boy was she quick. She was quick at everything that she did and tried to instill that in me as well. Brush the floor quicker, go run and get me the scissors. I was constantly running for something or running away from something.

Now I see her and it seems that she has lost her light. She does things only when pushed and pushed some more. It is hard to see and admit that she has little or no joie de vie. It is even harder to try and disentangle myself from her drama into my own.

I have felt low, cried often after I have visited her and really felt the pity for her life. She has had an incredibly hard working life, which I won’t go into, but knowing that even her later years are hard again for her, becomes upsetting. When will she get her break???

I realised this morning how we become attached to an emotional situation. The question is, how am I able to function well, keep my  good health and happiness whilst being a loving and supportive daughter.

Eckart Tolle talks about pain body’s and how we become attached to an emotion which then  gives us an identity. That’s all well and good, but where’s the practical application of how to disentangle ourselves from the pain body. I am a good ole Northerner and we like to be practical, down to earth, knowing that when a tree falls in a forest, it just does.

Firstly, it’s being aware of what is happening with you, how do I feel, how is this impacting on my behaviour, am I happy? It’s having the awareness and realisations  about yourself and what we are doing with ourselves. I know  that I have been down, my behaviour has told me that. On Christmas Day, I found myself somehow drawn to looking at 9/11 stuff on you tube. I realised that I was in a dark place and was heightening my darkness by looking at other people’s tragedy. When I admitted this to close people around me, it not only surprised them, but made me cry to realise where I was.

Action – behavoiur, what am I saying /doing.

Awareness of action – Is this action making me happy or unhappy? You can cheat and gauge it on other people’s reactions when you tell them what you have been doing.

Feeling – Am I happy or unhappy?

Action – What can I do to make myself happier or break my unhappiness.

Letting go – what is making me unhappy, let go of our attachment to that situation.

This one seems to be such a difficult one to do. Let go of how I feel about my mum. Doesn’t that mean that I am uncaring, unloving and unsupportive?

The answer would obviously be no, but dealing with that is a process. The image that I got in my head this morning, was how a staple works. A  staple attaches itself to a piece of paper and unless detatched, it is there for good. Is that how we become attached to a situation? We stick ourselves onto it good and fast before we can say “Jack Robinson” and then that’s it there seems to be no way out……

Tolle talks about becoming an observer of a situation and not to attach emotion to that situation. I see my mum in hospital. And then I try not to attach any emotion to that…? I don’t staple myself to that experience. Is that right???? Sounds awfully cold and hard….

Having gone into it, the below feels alot warmer,and kinder on ourselves.

  1. It’s about having the inner strength and awareness to be able to begin to achieve this.
  2. Share: It’s about talking to others as well about what is going on with you.
  3. Support: Getting support from others around you, have a laugh with those that you love and love you.
  4. Be Kind to yourself: It’s ok if you slip back into old patterns. It’s ok if you cry. It’s ok to feel emotion. We are human after all and are learning all the time.
  5. Let go: It’s about acknowledging what has just happened to you and then “de-lousing” yourself from that experience so that it doesn’t staple  itself onto you.

Aha. I felt that there was so much more to this letting go/pain body attachment. This feels more like the right track.

The key is now to PRACTICE, PRACTICE practice, and then really PRACTICE some more:)

Love you.

It must be………..

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I am in emotional turmoil,  unsure of what to do, how to feel and how to deal with a particular situation. I met a guy who I was seeing earlier on this year, we saw each other, broke up and decided to stay friends. Today he asked whether there was anything more to our friendship…..

He is a great guy, very easy to get on with. We have similiar sense of silly humour, he remembers stuff that I tell him, asks, gives good perspective on things, generous. Wow you might be thinking, what is the issue then?

Well, I have a hangup. I believe in this thing called love…. the thing is I am not too sure exactly what it is anymore. I’ve thought that I should feel this burning physical attraction to him, that he should make my heart go gooey, and that I should want to rip his clothes off immmmmeeddiately…..

Where have I got this notion from? Has Hollywood had such an impact on me, that I have somehow, without realising it, fallen for the fairy tale notion of love….. I don’t trip over kerbs when I am with him, birds don’t come out tweeting from the trees, and to date, I’ve not seen any bunnies bouncing around looking all cute. Have I somehow managed to get a “romantic” version of love in my head. Or am I actually confusing love with lust??? I have a feeling that I think that lust should come first in a relationship, then love follows, since that has been my experience in the past…..

I know that love grows between two people, so what is the deciding factors that allow two people to come together in union in the first place? Is it based on compatibility – we get on, we have a laugh together, we have some common interests? How many factors do you base it on before you decide to take the plunge with someone???

When does a friend become a partner become a lover become a soul mate????

Is it that I am afraid of taking the plunge with someone who wants to take the plunge with me.

What is it that I am afraid of?

Becoming vulnerable? Letting go of the control that I have had in my life for the past few years. Allowing someone else to enter into my life who has the potential to make me very happy is obviously a good thing.

Is it that trust thing?

Are my preconceptions, notions of what a relationship should be become outdated for me?

Goalposts shift all the time and this one has challenged me and put me in a flux.

Gary from a couple of weeks ago, put my heart in a twirl. He was hot to trot, made me tongue tied and I was a jibbering wreck when I tried to talk with him. But he was married….

** is available and ready to sign on the dotted line in blood, earl grey or what ever other liquid is around at the time.

So you’re maybe you’re thinking, what is she waiting for?

Live life.

Step off the edge and fall

Am I being obstructive for simplicity’s sake?

I have an opportunity to be in a relationship and is it that I am afraid of what happen. It may work out, it might not. Is fear holding me back? Have I got so comfortable in being single that when a bloke comes into my life that is available, good fun and wants to be in a relationship, I slip back into “old” habits and run run runaway…..

I have now read a few articles about love and it mostly seems to discuss unconditional love, lust+love and romantic love. The former really being the one to go for, its longer lasting and is not based on sex and tokens and gestures of romance.

Is it possible to have it all??????????

I know that my attitude/beliefs about alot of things have adapted over the past few years. Is the Universe telling me,loud and clear, that my attitude towards love is outdated and here is another way of loving someone, in a new way, a different way that could be even more satisfying………..

Je ne regrette rien…..

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This article is written by Bronnie Ware, a palliative care worker who has worked with a countless number of patients who are sadly seeing their last days on earth. When Bronnie had questioned the patients about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

If you want to really go for it, then listen to Edith http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hqc-NWlNJQ&feature=related

 The Top 5 Regrets

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.

From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard – This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings – Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends – Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier
This is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice.

It is YOUR life.

Choose consciously

Choose wisely

Choose honestly.

Choose happiness.

Pain in the………

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Ok, so I have had an interesting 3 weeks or so in relation to physical attraction and what it can do to me. I met this guy at the garden centre who I was immediately attracted to. A mean feat in itself, considering the average age of the garden customer is about 70+. When I saw him, he made my heart go bum bump bump and I thought to myself, I have to talk to him. He was just my type, dark looks, gorgeous blue eyes a lovely smile and he was younger than 70.  Lord knows what his personality was like, but on a physical level it was a yes, yes, yes.

So we got talking and to cut a long story short he came back the following week to give me his telephone number. Yipeeeee I thought to myself, things will start moving now with this guy. At the same time, I had begun to get a bad pain in my knee. It felt really stiff, hurt if it was left static and was starting to become painful. I thought it was a pendant that I had begun carrying, so I stopped using it. I begun to use my magnetic pouch, and that helped a bit.

A few days ago, he tells me that actually he is married, albeit, in an unhappy relationship. Ah…. slight problemo there. So yesterday I told him that I couldn’t carry on communicating with him, that I wanted a relationship of integrity and that texting him now felt superficial. He told me that he understood and that was that….

Literally once I hung up the phone to him, the pain in my knee disappeared.

I know it sounds strange and even this morning, I am still amazed.

Can a person literally have an effect on someone else’s body?

What was this pain representative of?

And I wondered if his wife/ex wife(he’d been married before) suffered with knee or joint problems.

Any views, opinions, etc would be most welcome.