For the past three days I’ve been at a training and I’m left feeling in a way that I did not expect or want. The training was with a bunch of people who are doing the same job as me. What it left me feeling was insecure and questioning whether I was doing a good job or not. When I ask myself, am I doing a good job, the answer that comes back to me, is yes, I think I am. My clients tell me that, my boss tells me, the figures tell me – so why the heck do I feel like this?
So, at lunch time today, I was sat with some of the girls and there was a discussion about how it’s important to be passionate about your job and that you do this job because you want to. Yup, totally agree. Yet I think because everyone was making such a mountain out of it, I didn’t really feel like I wanted to contribute to the conversation, since I didn’t really feel like I needed to justify why I was working in this field.
Then the dreaded insecurity sets in……I should have said something….now they are going to think that you aren’t passionate about the job….they think you’re just doing it as a job…..then the spiral really came into play and I slippery sloped myself down to thinking – they think you’re shit at your job….you do things that you shouldn’t do…..you don’t know anything about what you’re doing….god – what are you doing in this field….you’re no good at it…..get out and do something else instead…..and so it went on.
Saying all that, and having agonised with these feelings that have escalated over the past three days….I really got myself into a big tangled knotty mess….which culminated into a glass of wine, tears and a conversation with my housemate Judith tonight in the kitchen.
How did I get into this state – insecurities build up and I think that when those insecure buttons are pressed over a short period of time, feelings are manifested from age old times.
Yesterday, during lunch, I was chatting to a girl, then two of the girls who were sitting opposite us, joined in. Fine,no problem with that. Then lets call her Girl A, asks girl b and girl c a question and left me out of it…..even though we were all talking…..so I feel tad bit left out and insecurity number 203(random number chosen, just to make a point) jumps out. I did try and join back in the conversation…..god loves a trier eh!
So these kind of incidents accumulate, you feel like your in a pressure cooker and hey presto, I feel totally full up and hence tears tonight….and re-visiting blog tonight.
How can I help myself when these kind of situations arise again. My buttons will get pressed when I am around people..,,and as easy as hibernating is…it’s not healthy and won’t help my coping skills on bit….
Do I go speak to someone professionally about how to manage buttons being pressed so to speak?
Do I try and fudge my own way through this and hope for the best?
Do I ask others how they cope with situations like this?
Do I turn to drink!!!! Hahahahaha…..